Thursday, May 1, 2014

Stupidest Crap Ever Spoken By Me And My Friends: Beer and Selfies.

ALEX:  I still can't believe you wouldn't watch 'Lord Of The Rings' with me.
GINA:  Oh, please.  If I want to  spend two hours watching skeevy trolls with bad haircuts fighting over a ring, I'll watch 'The Bachelor'.

JESS:  Have you see Rowan's Instagram page?  It's nothing but selfies!
ME:  Well, at least she loves herself.
JESS:  Dude, Ted Kennedy loved scotch but even he bought a round for the house from time to time.

ME:  For Halloween this year I'm going to follow people around, misdirecting them and finishing their sentences and go as Google.
KELLY:  Or just tell them all they have cancer and go as WebMD.

BRANDON:  That grosses me out when women breastfeed in restaurants.
ALLY:  It's a perfectly natural act, B.
BRANDON:  Yeah, well so is masturbation, but you don't see me jacking off at the salad bar.

GINA:  What would you do if I died?
ALEX:  I'd be miserable, Baby.  I'd go crazy!
GINA:  Would you get married again?
ALEX:  I'm not THAT crazy.
GINA:  How about Jen.  You could marry Jen.
ALEX:  Baby, NOBODY'S that crazy.

KELLY:  I hate it when people say "long story short. . ." because, technically, by saying that you just made your story three words longer.

KAREN:  I swear there aren't enough hours in the day.
ME:  You should leave D.C. and move back to Oregon.
KAREN:  Why?
ME:  Don't you see?  We're three hours behind, so if you moved here you'd actually be going back in time and, voila!  Three extra hours!
KAREN:  Did your mother drink when she was pregnant?

BRANDON:  Do you think animals are racist?  'Cause I bet that shit would get REALLY confusing if you were a panda or a zebra.

ME:  I'm an optimist, but I'm also a perfectionist so I see the glass as half-full but then I have to measure it to make sure that it's exactly half-full.

KELLY:  They need to come out with some educational breakfast cereals.  Like, Homonym Bunches of Oats.  It will "bury" you in "berry" flavor!
ME:  Or, Synonym Toast Crunch.  It's "delicious", "delectable", and "scrumptious"!

GINA:  I bet if you called a narwhal a 'dickhead' it'd be, like, whatever.  'Cause, you know, how can a narwhal argue with that?

BRANDON:  Every time I drink beer I pee way more than I drank.  If I could find a way to reverse that process I'd open my own brewery and make mad money.
ME:  What would you call it?
BRANDON:  Martinez I.P., 'Eh?
ME:  Naturally.

MY SISTER (in Cozumel):  Is it OK to walk around with a beer in Mexico?
MY DAD:  Hell, you can fuck a donkey in Mexico; don't see how walking around with a beer is going to raise too many eyebrows.


Anonymous said...

Zonkeys, just sayin' and salad bar convo for the WIN!

Roxie said...

I have to be Web MD for Halloween, now!

Mary Beth said...

Love your Dad!

Valerie said...

Your dad is HILARIOUS!!!



Laura said...

They all made me laugh... but Brandon, Alex and your dad are my favorites. :D