Thursday, May 1, 2014
Stupidest Crap Ever Spoken By Me And My Friends: Beer and Selfies.
ALEX: I still can't believe you wouldn't watch 'Lord Of The Rings' with me.
GINA: Oh, please. If I want to spend two hours watching skeevy trolls with bad haircuts fighting over a ring, I'll watch 'The Bachelor'.
JESS: Have you see Rowan's Instagram page? It's nothing but selfies!
ME: Well, at least she loves herself.
JESS: Dude, Ted Kennedy loved scotch but even he bought a round for the house from time to time.
ME: For Halloween this year I'm going to follow people around, misdirecting them and finishing their sentences and go as Google.
KELLY: Or just tell them all they have cancer and go as WebMD.
BRANDON: That grosses me out when women breastfeed in restaurants.
ALLY: It's a perfectly natural act, B.
BRANDON: Yeah, well so is masturbation, but you don't see me jacking off at the salad bar.
GINA: What would you do if I died?
ALEX: I'd be miserable, Baby. I'd go crazy!
GINA: Would you get married again?
ALEX: I'm not THAT crazy.
GINA: How about Jen. You could marry Jen.
ALEX: Baby, NOBODY'S that crazy.
KELLY: I hate it when people say "long story short. . ." because, technically, by saying that you just made your story three words longer.
KAREN: I swear there aren't enough hours in the day.
ME: You should leave D.C. and move back to Oregon.
ME: Don't you see? We're three hours behind, so if you moved here you'd actually be going back in time and, voila! Three extra hours!
KAREN: Did your mother drink when she was pregnant?
BRANDON: Do you think animals are racist? 'Cause I bet that shit would get REALLY confusing if you were a panda or a zebra.
ME: I'm an optimist, but I'm also a perfectionist so I see the glass as half-full but then I have to measure it to make sure that it's exactly half-full.
KELLY: They need to come out with some educational breakfast cereals. Like, Homonym Bunches of Oats. It will "bury" you in "berry" flavor!
ME: Or, Synonym Toast Crunch. It's "delicious", "delectable", and "scrumptious"!
KELLY: Or Hyperbole Grahams. IT'S THE GREATEST CEREAL THAT HAS EVER BEEN MADE!!!
GINA: I bet if you called a narwhal a 'dickhead' it'd be, like, whatever. 'Cause, you know, how can a narwhal argue with that?
BRANDON: Every time I drink beer I pee way more than I drank. If I could find a way to reverse that process I'd open my own brewery and make mad money.
ME: What would you call it?
BRANDON: Martinez I.P., 'Eh?
MY SISTER (in Cozumel): Is it OK to walk around with a beer in Mexico?
MY DAD: Hell, you can fuck a donkey in Mexico; don't see how walking around with a beer is going to raise too many eyebrows.