Monday, August 22, 2016

Stupidest Crap Ever Spoken: The Tourist Edition

In case you ever wondered if the locals laugh at you behind your back and share your comments with their friends over coffee; yes. . . Yes, they do.

TOURIST:  Excuse me, I thought this hotel had internet access?
HOTEL CLERK:  We do.  Do you have the wifi password?
TOURIST:  Yes, but then it just says "Safari".  Do I use that to search for the internet?

TOURIST ON CELLPHONE:  What do you mean you're "next to the fish and chips place"? We're at the beach.  That's like texting me from the bar and saying you're "next to the blond making poor life choices."

TOURIST #1 (at the Cape Disappointment Overlook):  I'll bet you could see all the way to Hawaii from here.
TOURIST #2:  We should totally drive there this weekend.
TOURIST #1:  Umm, yeah.  Except that Hawaii's, you know, an island.
TOURIST #2:  So?
TOURIST #1:  So, where the hell we're you during geography class?
TOURIST #2: Dude, I barely passed algebra, let alone geography.  Besides, what does math have to do with it?

LOCAL:  Hey, just so you know, the undertow is really strong on this part of the beach.  The locals never swim here.
TOURIST:  Thanks, but we're from out of town, so we should be fine.

TOUR GUIDE AT MARITIME MUSEUM:  Ammonite fossils have been found at the mouth of the Columbia River, showing that they lived here some 880 million years ago.
TOURIST:  Are they still living in the river?
TOUR GUIDE:  No.  Ammonite became extinct at the end of the Cretaceous Period.
TOURIST:  Are scientists trying to bring them back?
TOUR GUIDE:  I doubt it.
TOUR GUIDE:  Because they're extinct.
TOURIST:  Still?
TOUR GUIDE:  Extinct is kind of a "forever" thing.

TOURIST #1:  Is there anything going on in town this weekend?
CASHIER:  There's the kite festival; and you may enjoy the lighthouse tour.
TOURIST #1:  A lighthouse?  How cute!  Is that downtown?
CASHIER:  Well, it's a lighthouse, so those are traditionally found on the beach.
TOURIST #2:  Oh.  I really didn't want to get all wet and sandy; maybe we should just go to the kite festival.
CASHIER:  The kite festival is on the beach as well.
TOURIST #2:  Well, do you have any beaches here that don't have water and sand?

WAITRESS:  Would you like the soup or salad with your entree?
TOURIST:  Ooh, that sounds great!  I'd love the super salad!

TOURIST:  Excuse me!
PARK RANGER:  How may I help you, ma'am?
TOURIST (pointing at the Pacific Ocean):  Who do I talk to about how salty the water is?
PARK RANGER:  Umm... God?


Jennifer Clark said...

You are making this shit up! Nobody is stoopid enough to want to complain to the management regarding the salinity of the Pacific Ocean!

Jen said...

In her defense, my friend who witnessed the event said the tourist was snot-flying drunk. So... There's that.